So it's 10:17pm on my clock and I'm supposed to be up and running by 4am tomorrow and be ready to be picked up by a friend. It's just that I won't be able to sleep tonight without writing down how much my world suddenly turned around.

So as you see (2 previous entries), I've been on the rocks earlier this week. A couple of people got my heart broken (in a not romantic way) and I felt like a little boy with cooties being teased on at school. It wasn't very nice. Having cooties isn't really my fault, why be so mean to me? Well for a fact, I ain't that boy with this imaginary disease. I'm this girl in college who keeps on denying the truth that I make mistakes too. For one, I should really stop being so ambitious about being peaceful and kind.

Wednesday took me to places I didn't want to be. Places where truth was out to get me. I hate finding out the truth especially when I know it means I'm wrong. But hey, I'll have to face it sooner or later, so why bother hiding?

Friday to present, everything isn't oh-so-perfect, really. But God and these "couple of people" gave me those 2nd chances I somehow don't deserve, I hope I don't bring them down again. But if I do, I should make sure I'm ready to get down on my knees and pray. Yeah.

So anyway. One time, big time breakaway: Beach trip tomorrow with friends! Haha. Talk about de-stressing. Overshariiiiiing. :p


And again, kahit alam kong di niyo babasahin to', I just want to apologize one more time and thank you for humbly accepting me and my stupid attitude. Whut. XD

Hindi ako masaya.
Nag-iisa ako.
Wala akong makausap.
Wala akong matakbuhan.
Malungkot ako.
Wasak.

MASAYA NA KAYO?
OKAY NA BA?

ENJOY.

This crazy world I live in.

Some people may tell you they love you, they would go places for you, far places, and they’d do crazy, funny, sweet, amazing stuff for you. The feeling – grand. There’s this security you find in this person that you know you’re not alone. But the security, it doesn’t last. There’s always something after that, something in return. Love, yeah you could say that. But what if it’s not the exact same definition? What if that’s not what you want?

What you want – someone who would go wild with you, go on adventures, drink beer, walk miles, play cards, eat junk, buy cheap stuff, someone who would listen, and talk, someone real, no bull. But someone who could stay this way for the longest time, and doesn’t expect anything more than what there is at present.

I guess I’m just tired of the fact that there may be hundreds and thousands of guys out there who would do everything for this girl – but when they find out there’s nothing in it for them, there really is NOTHING. They vanish into thin air. And the girl… is left with nothing but the memory of how much someone once loved her, when that someone thought there was something more than that at the other end.

But yeah. Why work hard for something you know you can’t have? I don’t know. Honestly. There’s not a lot of people everywhere you can be yourself with, why throw it away? There’s always this fine line of… “I liked being your friend more than trying to be your boyfriend. As a friend, you would stay longer in my life. Exes don’t have much of a lifespan.”

Easy for me to say, huh? Not really. It hurts me to hurt people I’ve learned to love. But what hurts me more, is that these people, could get away with it just like that. We build up this good friendship, I learn to tell him the craziest things in the craziest places, I learn to cry, and laugh, and joke around without having to worry about what he’d think of me. But at the end of the day, the worry is – it won’t last. Living proof of why they say that everything will always have something in return.

Hey you. Yes you. The one reading this. Think you’re too fat? Too skinny? What about too tall, short, ugly, worthless, or anything else along those lines? Well guess what. I think you all are beautiful. I think you all deserve to wake up with a smile on your face, and go to bed with a smile on your face. You all deserve happiness. Screw the boy that broke your heart, and fuck the girl that messed with your feelings. Forget about your parents, and what they say to you. Don’t worry about them. Think about your future. How nice it’s going to be in 20 years from now, to be laying in a bed with the one you love, and just knowing that you’re the one that the other one wants to be with forever. Think about all the success you’re going to do, and how many smiles you’re going to put on someones face. Think about your future kids, and grand-children. Think about what you are going to do with your life. In 20 years from now, everything that is happening now, won’t matter ! at all. You might not remember anything that is happening right now. If you think you have it bad, think about all the things you have in life. Have a roof over your head? Yes, well someone else in this world doesn’t. Have clothes on your back? Yeah, well someone else in this world doesn’t. You have your friends? There’s someone else in the world that doesn’t. You still have your life, you have your heart, your eyes, your ears, your legs, your feet, your arms, your hands, and most importantly, you have someone that is going to love you for who you are. You may not know them now, and you may not think that they do, but they do. And they will give up anything, just to be with you. Now, smile because you’re always going to have it better than someone else out there. Don’t frown because something happened, that isn’t going to matter later in life.

(Not my own words)

It's not that I have nothing to say.
It's that I don't know which of all these things is worth all the talking.
I bet you'll say "ALL OF 'EM".
I know right.
There's just not enough processing and time going on.

But I'll be back soon.

Dad.

I'm not sure what I'm up against. But to be honest, I have no idea how to celebrate this day.

"He didn't tell me how to live; he lived, and let me watch him do it...
Thanks for being a great role model to me Papa"

"To the coolest and most awesome father in the world. There's no one better to ride the craziest rollercoasters with than you -- sorry for the almost-heart attack heehee :D Happy Father's Day! I love you, Papa :)"

"Three raps for the man who showed me that a life lived for others is a life well lived. Happy Fathers’ Day po, Tay."

"happy fathers day to all fathers who love their chidren
and wife more than anything else..♥"

And....

"The most important thing a father can do for his children is to love their mother."

Current facebook status' of people around my world. I won't deny the fact that I'm a little envious of how much they are able to express their love for their dad's.

When I was a kid, whenever my dad came to visit, I'd run down the stairs and jump up to give him a tight hug. Now, when I hear the engine of his motorcycle going up the driveway, I'd make sure my door was locked to pretend I was busy or I was sleeping.

Maybe it's because today, I have this strong feeling that I already know how much damage he's done. To me , my family, my mom. But true enough, I know I just pretend to hate him not because I'm angry, but because I'm hurt.

At bilang inakyatan niya ko ng Buko Shake ngayon lang.... HAPPY FATHER'S DAY, DAD. Hahahaha. No. Kidding aside, he's my father one way or another. I love him. No need to announce that on facebook. I just know I love him. Some are just fathers. But him, he's a father and a dad at the same time. Something that won't be measured by the days and nights he visits us or the money he gives out for us.

I hope someday I'll learn to be the kid in me again.
I'll write him letters and draw us together holding hands.

As if.

I've been walking my way to breathing this week. Since after my voice recital last Sunday, I realized this week's the only summer I've got left.... Til' forever. That is, if I won't be able to take my required units this school year. On 2012, I'll be graduating (hopefully), and then I'll be working, which means -- Goodbye forever, summer.

It's just how things are going. At home, with a friend, in school. I feel that I've been doing such a good job lately. But when people like my mom or one of my closest friends tell me that I've been failing so hard as a daughter and a friend, I cry and repeat to myself that "I have to think about their feelings". That's what they teach me in church. But what about what I have to say? What about helping them realize that they also made mistakes? Isn't that my job too? It just doesn't make sense sometimes. So I told myself, I need a break.

Yesterday, I went to a friend's house to have a little chitchat about my life made out of shit. I ended up watching the animated Tarzan movie, playing with her baby brother and sister, and watching her younger brother's game of basketball. My plan of self-pitying was ruined -- In a good way.

Today, I went to visit another friend having her OJT at ABS-CBN. Wasn't too far from home so when she told me she had her 1-hour break, I was betting it was worth it. Seeing her enter the convenience store with her big, fat, kikay smile, I brisk walked my way to her and gave her a big, fat, kikay hug. I don't even remember the last time I saw this woman. I've been longing for that hug for a long while now. Making the most out of the 1-hour of freedom she was given, there was no stopping us. We talked about how much of a blur our lives are today, and how far we're actually going. She was still the same. I asked her what she wanted to eat, she said she wasn't going to. The usual diet she's been going on for years now. There were no pauses. We just talked and talked and laughed about stupid things until the hour was over. When I checked the time, I didn't want to tell her it was time to get back to work, but we both knew it was. After this, another long agony of longing for each other's company. I didn't want that again. But that's just really up to us, yes? She walked me to the cab and told me she missed me a lot. I did too. During the cab ride, I again realized, my self-pity plan once again did not work.... But I felt really good.

Truth is, what I needed wasn't a break. I'm a live human being, I'm not like certain animals that need to hibernate. I was just being selfish. What I need is some optimism. A graduate from our organization I'm not very close to told me last week to "chill". I was getting really depressed because of the lack of participation my co-members had. She said, "The attitude of the members comes from you". That said a lot I guess. The outcome of everything I'm going through would depend on how I take it.

BV. I'm sure I'll be eating my own words even before this day ends. But what the hell! At least may realization diba? Hahaha. :))

Gumagalaw at Your Service.

Galaw galaw? Oh yes. That's what I've been doing for the past month or so. Hahaha. Nakakatawa yung fact that I think summer was more of a "patikim" as they call it, for my incoming school year 2010-2011. I'm not saying my summer's been hell, I mean, hell in the temperature sense but the stress actually keeps me alive. Kapag wala akong ginagawa, sumasakit ulo ko. Seryoso. :))

Well anyway, since this is my first official entry for the summer, these are some of the things that have kept me alive and kickin':

1. National Youth Day 2010 at Nueva Viscaya wherein I had the benefit of finally visiting the famous Rice Terraces.




2. Graduations. All 3 brothers graduated last month: One from elementary, the other from highschool and the last one from college. I'm a proud sister alright. ;) Pero hindi ba hassle? :)) (Pardon the pictures)



3. My cousin's wedding wherein I babysat her sooper dooper cutie baby for the whole day. Nyorm adorable. :3



4. Brother and Dad's birthdays.

5. Math 2. YES. Nag-take ako ng isang subject for the summer. 11-1pm. Wherein nahheat stroke na ko sa init ng binabyahe ko. But good news: It's my last day tomorrow and I am exempted from finals. Yup, I rule like that. \m/

6. Center for Pop Music summer lessons. Just so those of you who are reading this know, I AM TOTALLY MAKING A FOOL OUT OF MYSELF. Pero 10k yung binayad namin for this summer lesson. I just want to prove to some people that it was worth it I guess. And I'm worth it. :/

7. UP CRAdLe stuff which I am absolutely guilty of for not putting on top of my priorities.


8. A trip to Pangasinan for an outreach with my 2 younger brothers, my high school bestfriend, and a family friend. It was a really heart-warming experience. Games with the families of the farmers and a visit to an orphanage and a home for the aged. Perfect. :')

9. Org meeting's which is still last in my priority list. It's sad how the title of "CD Circle Chairperson" is still not sinking in.

10. STFAP Application. This is for my tuiton fee discount in UP. And pakshetnayan naka tatlong balik na ko at padami na ng padami ang aking requirements. Lahat ng pwedeng gawan ng affidavit, pinapagawan! Mapa-marital separation, fund raising activity, kulang na lang pati affidavit ng binibili kong candy araw-araw, pagawan nila.

11. Totally voted for the first time ya'll!! I ROCK! \m/ I'm a bit disappointed with the turnout of votes though. Especially because I was rooting for Gordon. And I wasn't really a NoyNoy fan (Kamukha niya talaga si Bart Simpson). But what has happened, has happened. There's no turning back now. I guess we just all have to stick with what's here and push each other to the top.



Lagpas dalawang oras ko na ginagawa to'ng entry na to'. May katelebabads kasi ako. Hahaha. Minsan lang to' guys. My first "gimik" for the summer, nagrounded pa ko hanggang pasukan dahil late ako umuwi. Not like I have the time to go out. Really. Well anyway, yun lang yun.

Siguro I just have to say how fun it's been going kasi sobrang busy ako't lahat and I love the people around me and I love the things I''m doing. But I'd also have to say that medyo may kulang din as to how I don't have anybody to share it with. My closest friends all busy and syempre, walang "somebody special" na mapagkkwentuhan ko ng lahat ng achievements ko and all that tapos pupuriin niya ko kahit di naman ako kapuripuri at papalamigin niya ulo kapag nasosobrahan na ko sa physical and mental and spiritual stress. I guess I just have me right now. But that's fine. After everything that happened last summer, I say this will full conviction: I'VE LEARNED MY LESSON. :D ;)

"Sometimes things aren't exactly how you always imagined.
They're even better."
-Daphne, What a Girl Wants

Happy FML Day.

Make-up class started at 8:30am.
8:10am - Got up, changed clothes, brushed teeth. No shower.
8:15am - Realized I lost my song lyrics so opened the computer to have a quick print, but printer wasn't installed yet because it was reformatted. Opened the old laptop which took 15mins to start up. Printed my lyrics.
8:30am - Ran to the main street to ride the jeep.
8:35am - Rode the jeep. Opened my wallet to pay. FOUND MY OLD LYRICS INSIDE.

Class ended at 10:25am.
10:25am - Called Dad to pick me up. No time to spare. Had Math class at 11am.
10:30am - Ran downstairs. Kept calling Dad.
10:40am - Dad still not there.
10:45am - Started walking. Dad found me.
10:50am - Change of clothes.
11:00am-11:15am - Trip to school.
11:15am-11:35am - TOKI ride.
11:40am - Went inside classroom. DIAGNOSTIC TEST. NOT GRADED.

Math class ended at 12:15nn.
Ado's Graduation starts at 1pm.
12:15pm-12:30pm - Walked to FC with Kaye.
12:30pm - Rode jeep to Philcoa.
12:45pm - Rode bus. No space, so stood all the way. I was wearing a dress.
1:00pm - Brother and Mother calls to tell me to ride the taxi to pick up necktie which was left at home.
1:05pm - Asks bus driver to bring me down. He stops in the middle of the road.
1:05pm-1:20pm - Tried to get a taxi right under the AWESOME SUN.
1:20pm - Finally got myself a taxi!! BROKEN AIR CONDITIONER.
1:50pm - Arrived at Sto. Domingo church.

With no breakfast and lunch, decided to have KFC.
(By this time wala na akong pake sa mga nangyayari sa'kin)
2:00pm - Ran to KFC, tripped right in front of the customers.
2:05pm - Ordered a Twister Meal. Twister was for 5mins.
2:15pm - No Twister yet. Drink ALL GONE.
2:25pm - Nomnomnom-ing my Twister..... SPILLED SAUCE ON MY DRESS.
2:30pm - ELECTRICITY WENT OUT.
2:40pm - Decided to go upstairs to wash my dress.. Upstairs was closed. So washed my dress in the bathroom downstairs. No mirror. Smelly. Yucky.
2:50pm - While scrubbing my dress, RANDOM PERSON OPENS DOOR. No lock.
3:00pm - Went back to the ceremony with a wet dress.

3:00pm-4:00pm - Long and hot graduation inside the church with no electricity.
4:30pm - Decided to eat out.
4:45pm - Stepped out the car. Stepped on wet plastic.
5:45pm - Went to Office Warehouse. Opened the door and TWISTED MY WRIST.
6pm - HOME FTW.
6:30pm-7pm - ♥ ♥ ♥


Yes, I know.
:)

Hell weeks turn Holy.

It's been quite a while now. Everything's just been so crazy lately. It's school. Yeah, school. Nothing else. I can't even explain what it did to me. It's like my whole world turned into this huge ball of STRESS. No sleep, no food intake, no social life, no nothing. Or yeah maybe. I kind of gained a few (or maybe more than that) zits.

When I say Hell weeks, I meant that literally. The heat + stress + mood of people around you make it a lot worse. But I'd have to say. You wouldn't know the difference between terrible and great if you haven't experienced both yet. So together with my weeks of doom, I had my awesome moments too.

There's the life changing Paramore Concert.

There's finally being a member of

UP CRAdLe (Children's Rights Advocates League).

And there's being elected as Chairperson of

UP CD Circle (Community Development Circle).

(Together with me the 2 other officers. Haha.)

I feel rather great for not killing myself after all these weeks. I went gaga all over, but hey, I'm still alive and kicking! Tama yung sinasabi nila. That if you just make yourself feel that you're happy, you will be. It worked for me. Although hindi nawala yung nababaliw ka na sa kakaisip because you feel that all your brain cells have vanished into thin air. It's just moments like these that I can finally say.... IT WAS ALL WORTH IT. (I wish. Kasi wala pang grades. Haha.)

So today, it's Maundy Thursday and it's the time I should start reflecting on all the blessings I've received recently. Holy Week never fails to make me feel a lot better. I think it's fate that my hell week ended yesterday. It's time to open up my heart again to that Somebody who's always been there for me.

Nothing more to say. Just maybe want to do a series of thank you's. First to UP Community Development Circle for giving me their trust. Nagulat ako sa results ng votes. Walang nag-abstain. I am stunned. I'm still a bit scared and all that, but I feel that maybe it's me and my organization's time to shine. It's time we prove some people wrong. Second, to UP CRAdLe and Rea for the warm-welcome and encouragement. And Lastly, to my mom and my friends who never stopped helping out. So para akong nagspeech? Feel na feel? Hahahaha! That's it.

My quote for the semester:

"First they ignore you, then they laugh at

you, then they fight you, then you win."

- Gandhi

The good in goodbye. When did it ever make sense?

My best friend left for Australia way back after high school graduation. I feel we've drifted apart. We still update each other of course. Exchanging of e-mails, facebook updates, etc. But it's never been the same. It's not the same without hanging out after school hours on the school benches or late-nights phone calls that take up hours. She'd admit that too, I'm pretty sure.

And tomorrow, another close friend of mine is leaving. Not for good, but for a pretty long time. Too long for a girl like me who counts on him to make me smile in times of stagnation.

Tomorrow, I'd be sitting beside someone else in class.

I'm happy for him for finally deciding to go. It's not everyday that you'd have to give up something you truly love for something you just feel you had to do, but you weren't so sure about it. I'm glad he made a choice.

Alam kong hate na hate niya ang pagiging mushy at emo ko, but I will just have to say all these. Mamimiss ko siya. Alam niya na yun kasi ilang beses ko na din sinabi sa kanya. Hindi ko siya best friend or boyfriend or anything. Friend. Nothing more, nothing less. That's the beauty of it. Bihira lang ang lalaking ganyan sa buhay ko. Maybe that's why I like being with him so much. Ang nakakatawa, hindi niya ako literal na tinutulungan sa mga problema ko, pero madalas sa kanya parin ako humihingi ng tulong. Wala siyang advice or hug, WALA. Ang palaging pang-lutas niya sa mga problema ko, joke na super corny, pick-up line, katangahan, or sariling kwento niya, hindi sapilitang advice. Syempre minsan nakakagago din kapag sobrang hagulgol ever na ko tas magpapatawa lang siya. Pero nakakatawa parin kahit nakakagago. Hahaha. Madami akong mamimiss for a year. Pick-up lines, FIC bonding, Cello's bonding, doodles during class, never-ending sermons, etc. Di ko din alam what's so special about him, but he's a really good friend that's kind of hard to let go. The boy/man na sobrang totoo, malapit kay Papa God, may paninindigan, matalino.... Mayabang, epal, feeling, chismoso, etc., is someone who makes me glad I got into UP. Kahit palagi niya akong inaaway at nilalait at kahit wala siyang pake minsan, I still love him and I'll miss him and his kulot hair.

Last Saturday we had dinner and when I got home, I realized that I've been so much into not letting him go because I'll miss him and I can't be all smiles without him. I didn't really think about him now did I? I thought about myself. So pano nga naman siya? Now, I can absolutely say that I'm glad he's going and I wish him all the luck. Same goes for my best friend.

It makes sense. We only part to meet again.

Roger, ingat sa Korea.

Mae, I miss you so.

Minsan, I fail at everything.

Sumali org namin sa contest kanina. Tapos may egg catching. Tapos super layo na namin nung partner ko sa isa't-isa. Nung hinagis niya yung egg, tumakbo ako para habulin..... Sinalo ko using my head. LITERAL. Sobrang kadiri kasi ang lagkit ng buhok ko. Pero sa totoo lang, yung mga ganitong experience ang mahirap kalimutan. Hahaha. Ang fun. XD

--------------------------

Well anyway, this will be a pretty short entry. I just wanted to blog out what I feel right now. As in ngayon na ngayon na. As I said sa former entry, I have no self-esteem, no self-confidence. No nothing. So now I shall prove it to you.

I am anxious, bothered, and disturbed about UP CRAdLe's formal interview for us applicants on Monday, about being a possible Chair for CD Circle, about Roger leaving the country, about major failing an exam, etc. FML. :'(

Ayoko na. Pakamatay na ko. /wrist Lol joke. I don't even know if I deserve to watch the concert on the 9th and the 15th anymore.

I am such a joke. Di ko alam kung ano nakikita sakin ng mga tao. Guys, seriously. WALA KAYONG MAPAPALA SA ISANG KATULAD KO. Take it from me.

Spin.

Para lang may picture. Hahaha.

Me behind the mask behind the mask.

(Yes. Dalawang mask. Wag niyo na i-gets. Ang emo eh.)

Been wanting to write about so many stuff lately. Mostly about school. School being... Not bad. I've been going past my body's limits since the year started. NOT part of the plan. I sleep past midnight and wake up after 3 or 4 hours of sleep. I cram all my school work, and when I say all... I MEAN ALL OF THEM. I do them a day or a few hours before deadline. Lethargic, indifferent -- ME. I don't even know what keeps me from doing them at the right time. I can be diligent. I just know it. :>

That being said, I'm a friggin college scholar (for last semester). Wudupp~ And, no. No benefits or anything. Just the title. Ewan. I'm the kind of person who's not really good at anything. Or maybe I'm still looking for something to be good at. But right now, there's nothing. I'm not smart. I'm not talented. I'm not anything.(<- This is me being very confident about myself). Being college scholar doesn't really make me feel like anything or anybody. Chamba lang -- That's what I felt. My first semester subjects were actually kind of easy (not to be boastful or anything). Eh seriously, if you were me who took those subjects, you'd get university scholar. No questions asked. I mean, what is it with my brain that doesn't get the point? I try so hard to study for certain exams and get an "okay" grade while a classmate hardly reads anything for it and gets the top score. It's not fair. I wouldn't call myself dumb or stupid, but I won't call myself smart either. Or maybe I CAN call myself stupid... Or bobo. Hahahaha. WELL... Since I know deep inside me that this college scholar title would never again be entitled to me, maybe susulitin ko na lang. Once in a lifetime. Yup. ONCE.

Also, I find myself overreacting about very useless things and not caring about things I'm actually supposed to care about. Gets? No? Yes? Yeah. I'm not a "no" kind of person and I hate it when no means leaving a good friendship behind. Fck that. :(

Ate Angel told me this yesterday, "Alam mo Pau, ang sweet sweet mo talaga! Parang wala kang problema. Napaka-carefree mong klase ng tao. Nakakagaan ng loob." Even though I would say that the only thing she said right was that I was sweet, I'd still love it if people saw me this way. Seriously. Kahit magiging plastik ang dating ko, at least I know I make people feel light about life.

Aaaaaaaaaand looking at the brighter side of life, 2 weeks before the Paramore concert! \m/ And I might be watching Owl City too! Now that's what I call zeh good life! :D

Hindi talento ang pagiging maganda.

Celebrating?

Death

I turned my back. Squinted my eyes. Took hold of my phone. Checked the time -- 7:53am. Then read my message -- Mommy Pig: "The Lord has finally heard the cry of our beloved Jose Luis. He got his wings at 7:25 this morning. Let us pray for his eternal happiness." I usually go back to sleep after reading my morning messages. But after this one, I couldn't even close my eyes for a single second.

I wouldn't call him our family priest or anything. But he did change our lives. Everything about our lives he turned upside-down.... but right-side up. With one conversation, he managed to convince my mom to enter into this life of spirit. From wealth to no money, no home, no nothing. Just us. Jose Luis was a man who knew what love really meant. He always knew what to say -- even though he was aware it would hurt us. He was a man -- worshipped, adored, praised. To all of us, he was a saint. But to him, he was just another sinner saved by God.

We now celebrate his birth into the new life.

Brother's and Beer

Been drunk for 3 straight nights now. But I assure you, this has absolutely nothing to do with valentines day. I just missed it I guess. I missed the times wherein I didn't have to worry about what people would say about me. Basically, I DIDN'T WANT TO CARE. But then again, being drunk never made me escape the real life. I wake up in the morning and find my self... Worrying about what I said or did the night before. Oh fucker. Ha-Ha.

My younger brother saved me from getting caught the 2nd night. And the older one, well, he celebrated his birthday. That's it.

Valentines Day

Three of my guy friends went on a secret mission for this day. They bought roses for all us girl friends. Realization: Hindi pa extinct ang mga lalaking hinahanap ng maraming babae.

A friend gave me roses and chocolates. My insights on this is.. Ewan. I really appreciate it. Although... Basta. Hahahaha? Ha? Ha? =))

On Being Emo.

I feel left out. I don't belong anywhere in the world I got myself into. Everything about it is just wrong. Hindi ko din alam. Until now, my course title is still haunting me. This is not what I want. But why am I here? Who wants this for me anyway? The only thing I know, this was never part of the plan.. Never will be.

"Weeping may remain for a night,
but rejoicing comes in the morning."

Hop hop hop.

Life has been great the past few days. I've been really busy (and happy) with stuff I am absolutely NOT suppose to prioritize. But anyway. What's done is done. Haha. XD

Thursday. Two of my friends (whom must I say I haven't seen since the year started) visited me in school. Plan was, it was JUST LUNCH and then I attend my afternoon classes. Apparently, we were all an hour late so medyo nabitin kami in the morning. Which of course ended up... Me not attending all of my classes. Well... Totoo naman. Minsan ko lang sila makasama. Eh ang klase, palagi kong pinapasukan. Lame excuse, Pau. Whatever. :)) Went around UP, ate lots of random food (Rodic's tapsilog, FIC ice cream, Mang Larry's isaw, and mango shakes), semi-shoot ng tanghaling tapat (kami na ang naligo sa pawis at ako na ang kadiri ang paa nun dahil naka tsinelas lang ako), and apparently, they had very liberating stories to tell me.

Friday. I cut my first class. YEY ME. But I was really happy to get the chance to talk to my good ol' friend Roger. Na *ehem ehem* medyo busy with his good ol' life. We were supposed to talk about this case study presentation but we of course, ended up na nag-chichikahan lang. We had some catching up to do. Lame excuse. AGAIN. :)) But that's what made my day complete. NAKS NAMAN! UTOOOOT. =))

Saturday. Morning, I attended the SDP Teaching Program graduation. Afternoon, attended THE CRAZIEST BEST PHOTO SHOOT EVER (by Sandra Dans). At around 7pm, went to Cham's birthday dinner at Agave SM North. Then slept over at Nicki's to watch some awesome Modern Family. 8D

Sunday. Woke up at noon. Watched 3 more episodes of Modern Family ("You have something that belongs to me.... MY HEART." HAHAHAHA. Okay sorry). Walked to Magnolia for some awesome ice cream. Attended mass (at least half of it). Had weekly dinner at Lola's house. And watched another incredible movie by Disney... THE PRINCESS AND THE FROG YO!!!

So now.... I'm all sick and I still gots lots of stuff to do tomorrow like 2 reports, 3 journals, and a book drive project for this org I'm applying for. GREAT. But it's all gooooooooood. :> Just felt like sharing this awesome weekend with everybody. I hope ya'll had a good one too. ;)

♫ You gotta dig a little deeper ♪

-The Princess and the Frog

Babae po ako.

GRABE. It's that time of the month again. And wow lang. Naaawa ako sa lahat ng nakasalamuha ko ngayong araw na to. Last night, I was making my illustration for EDR121 when mom came in and stood right behind me. I hate it when people do that. I HATE THAT. I hate it when people stand right next to me while I read or write or type or draw. So I kind of pushed her away and... Nagtampo siya. :| MEAN ME. Then today, I was one hell of an introvert. I didn't approach anybody or when somebody talked to me, I'd either just nod or shrug. What a bitch.

TAPOS. My EDR121 partner is kind of... Well actually he IS dyslexic and medyo ewan ko lang ha.. ADHD ata (my own hypothesis). But he's okay. He's kind and very diligent. Pero madaldal siya and his voice is really loud that even though he's whispering, dinig ng buong klase yung sinasabi niya. Then as usual, I sat beside him today. Pero... Medyo nairita ako sa kanya ngayon. MEDYO LANG NAMAN. Coz he kept on talking and making side comments there beside me even though I wasn't responding to anything he was saying. And tell you what. NAGKASABAY PA KAMI SA JEEP. Tas di ko din siya kinakausap. :| But nung bababa na siya, nag-bye naman ako.

But still. When I got home.. I really felt bad for treating him that way. I'm not normally like this. I'm patient with people but the stupid sun was too high today and this week just had to be that time of the month. Demmit. HORMONES.

The only good thing about having this visitor is that I can make it an excuse sa bahay kung bakit ako masungit. I know, I know. Treating people badly is only up to me. Not my hormones. Nyeeee.

Ako na ang malupet.

Hindi ako yung tipo ng taong mahilig magsabi ng mga naranasan ko sa buhay na napaka-ouch in full detail. Pero parang feel ko ngayon. Bakit? Ewan. Napaka-deep lang siguro ng usapan namin ng kaklase ko kagabi. At napaisip lang ako... Ano kaya ang kalagayan ng buhay ko ngayon kapag di nangyari ang lahat ng ito sa akin? Walang thrill. Boring.

Ang tatay kong malupet.

Ang tatay ko ay isa sa mga pinaka-cool na tatay sa buong mundo. Seryoso. Ang dami niyang shades. Iba't-ibang klase, iba't-ibang kulay. Kung manamit siya, bagets kung bagets! Jogging pants, tight-fitted shirts... Sexy! Ang buhok niya, puti na. Yes. PUTI LAHAT. Minsan mukhang yellow. Minsan mukhang gold. Pero ang alam ko, puti talaga yun eh. Take note: Mas mahaba pa ang buhok niya sa buhok ko. Bale, napponytail niya na ito. Proud siya. Ang da best factor tungkol sa kanya kaya siya cool ay malapit na siya mag 50yrs old... At nag dodota parin siya. YES BOYS. DOTA. Adik siya sa dota. Photographer, Computer Artist. Cool kung cool talaga e. Pero minsan, hindi yun ang nagiging basehan ko kung bakit siya malupet (in a good or bad way). Malupet siya kasi may iba na siyang pamilya. Matagal na yun. Pagkatapos pa ko ilabas ng nanay ko. Benta nga eh. Hiwalay na sila nuon, pero sinundan pa ko ng dalawa. Hahahaha. Wala lang daw. Boring nga naman kasi pag dalawa lang kami ng kuya ko. Ako ang pinaka nagrebelde sa hiwalayan na ito. Nagwala ang aking kalandian at katamaran nung hayskul (paminsan kahit ngayon college). Pero okay lang. Good girl na ko ngayon. Sana, si Daddy din... Good boy na. 19yrs old na ko. Di parin siya natatauhan.

Ang nanay kong malupet.

Si Mama, malaki ang paniniwala sa "What God has joined together, let man not separate.” Ako din. Sa ilang taon ko nang pamumuhay, alam na alam ko na yan. Pero nagalit parin ako sa tatay ko. Hanggang ngayon, galit ako. Hindi lang ako yung tipo na nagsasabi ng nararamdaman sa taong kinauukulan. Haha. Eh ang nanay ko? Ay. Wala. Matagal niya nang napatawad si Daddy. Bukas na bukas ang pinto sa bahay namin at sa puso niya sa araw na magbabago si Dad. Hanggang ngayon, tuwing nandito si Daddy isang araw sa isang linggo, si Mama pa ang naglalagay ng toothpaste sa toothrush niya at si Mama pa ang naglalagay ng kanin sa plato niya. Talk about henyo? Nope. Hindi siya henyo. Hindi siya martyr. Ang Mama ko, isang halimbawa ng taong nagmamahal. Unconditionally. Marunong magpatawad.

Ang ex-boyfriend kong walang kasing lupet.

Eto na yun eh. Like father and mother, like daughter and her boyfriend. Ako naman kasi si magaling. Boboyfriend boyfriend, di naman alam ang kalokohang pinapasok. Mang-uunder ng boyfriend, magguilty, tapos magpapaunder para makabawi. Ang dami dami ko daw kasing kasalanan sa kanya. Ginawa ko lahat ng bawal. Kinakausap ko mga kabarkada kong lalaki, mga kaklase kong lalaki, nagshshorts ako sa labas, natutulog ako ng umaga na, NAGPIPINTA AKO NG KUKO KO. Bawal. Ang sama sama ko noh? Pero inayos ko naman. Kung ayaw mo, edi wag ko. Ginawa ko lahat. Pero di parin siya nakuntento. Hanggang dumating ang oras na hindi na siya nakapigil. Masyado ba siyang nagalit? O hindi lang siya makatiis bilang lalaki? Madami paring tanong sa utak ko hanggang ngayon. Bakit nga ba. Bakit siya nang BLUETOOTH ng iba. ANG LUPET NIYA. Matino akong babae. V na V pa. Kung ang hanap niya ay yung laspag na, WHY NAT COCONAT. I stand my ground. Hindi ako papatol hangga't hindi ako handa. Oo, minahal ko siya. Ewan. Unconditionally nga ba? Ang alam ko lang, sinubukan ko maging katulad ni Mama. Pero hindi ko pa kaya. Bata pa nga ako. Baby pa.

Nakakainis. Ang galing ng tadhana at kinailangan niyang iparamdam sakin yung sakit ng pagiging resulta ng dalawang lalaking MALUPET. Pero bakit? Ang sabi nila, hangga't di ko pa natututunang mapatawad si Itay ng buong buo, mangyayari't mangyayari ito sa akin. Ang iba naman, kahit sino daw may kahinaan. At nagkataon lang na ang dalawang pinaka importanteng lalaki sa buhay ko ay pareho ng "weakness".

Ang say ko naman, WHY ME? BAKIT ME? WHY AKO?

Kasi hindi ako katulad ng malupet kong Mama.

Di pa ako marunong magmahal tulad niya.

Yan ang goal ko. Ang maging katulad ni Mama.

Kung wala sila, Paano na tayo?

I've gone to Tagaytay for a lot of times now. Ever since I was a kid, I always sat at the window seat going there and coming back so I would be able to see the view of the fields. Until before this weekend, the only thing I knew about them fields was that they were really lovely and green and wide and everything there was DELISYOSO.

But what was going on behind those exquisite fields?
That's what I didn't know.
That's what EVERYBODY ELSE didn't know.

"Pinagyayaman namin ang lupang ito bilang mga magsasaka. Dito kami nabubuhay. Pero hanggang kailan?"

This is the question the people of Brgy. Lumil in Silang, Cavite have been asking all their lives. The only thing that kept them alive was this land. This land that fed them, brought them to school, gave them shelter... They didn't really ask for more. But that wasn't enough reason for some. Not enough basis to stop others to take it away from them. Some didn't understand that once they took this land for themselves, a lot of families would lose everything they have. And when I say everything.. I meant that literally.

How could some people not see the beauty of these lands? Anong gagawin nila? Put up factories and villages once they take hold? Okay. Do that. But what will they do with the families? The farmers? THE CHILDREN? Oh I know. They'll tell them they'll relocate them and give them jobs.... That's pure bull. There's no security in that. They don't realize what beauty they're taking away. Not only from these farmers, but from all of us.

What beauty?

Those luscious pineapples.

Mouth-watering fresh buko.
Delicious food.
Lalo na pag kinamay at nasa dahon ng saging. Nom~

Those innocent and happy children.

That simple way of living
(My foster home)



Hardworking men.




Those loving families.
(My foster family)

I tried this kind of living. It wasn't easy. Nope. Not at all. Waking up at 5am every morning to go up the mountains and work on the fields. I wouldn't even get up at that time if I had to pee!
It was amazing to live here.
I wouldn't exchange this experience for anything.

The only thing these farmers ask for is to let them stay. They're not asking for the whole land. They're just asking for that portion. There truly is no better life for this land. What can we do to help? Spread the word. These beautiful sceneries have something hidden behind them. A world full of struggles. The trouble of these farmers is not only for them. It's our problem to solve too. Make a move. Change our world... Or at least, our country. Just let those people realize what they're doing and what they're taking away. Without these farmers.. We have so much to lose. Let's not take that risk.

"Ang problema ng mga magsasaka, problema nating lahat."
-Kuya Abe, A youth farmer