Wednesday, May 26, 2010

As if.

I've been walking my way to breathing this week. Since after my voice recital last Sunday, I realized this week's the only summer I've got left.... Til' forever. That is, if I won't be able to take my required units this school year. On 2012, I'll be graduating (hopefully), and then I'll be working, which means -- Goodbye forever, summer.

It's just how things are going. At home, with a friend, in school. I feel that I've been doing such a good job lately. But when people like my mom or one of my closest friends tell me that I've been failing so hard as a daughter and a friend, I cry and repeat to myself that "I have to think about their feelings". That's what they teach me in church. But what about what I have to say? What about helping them realize that they also made mistakes? Isn't that my job too? It just doesn't make sense sometimes. So I told myself, I need a break.

Yesterday, I went to a friend's house to have a little chitchat about my life made out of shit. I ended up watching the animated Tarzan movie, playing with her baby brother and sister, and watching her younger brother's game of basketball. My plan of self-pitying was ruined -- In a good way.

Today, I went to visit another friend having her OJT at ABS-CBN. Wasn't too far from home so when she told me she had her 1-hour break, I was betting it was worth it. Seeing her enter the convenience store with her big, fat, kikay smile, I brisk walked my way to her and gave her a big, fat, kikay hug. I don't even remember the last time I saw this woman. I've been longing for that hug for a long while now. Making the most out of the 1-hour of freedom she was given, there was no stopping us. We talked about how much of a blur our lives are today, and how far we're actually going. She was still the same. I asked her what she wanted to eat, she said she wasn't going to. The usual diet she's been going on for years now. There were no pauses. We just talked and talked and laughed about stupid things until the hour was over. When I checked the time, I didn't want to tell her it was time to get back to work, but we both knew it was. After this, another long agony of longing for each other's company. I didn't want that again. But that's just really up to us, yes? She walked me to the cab and told me she missed me a lot. I did too. During the cab ride, I again realized, my self-pity plan once again did not work.... But I felt really good.

Truth is, what I needed wasn't a break. I'm a live human being, I'm not like certain animals that need to hibernate. I was just being selfish. What I need is some optimism. A graduate from our organization I'm not very close to told me last week to "chill". I was getting really depressed because of the lack of participation my co-members had. She said, "The attitude of the members comes from you". That said a lot I guess. The outcome of everything I'm going through would depend on how I take it.

BV. I'm sure I'll be eating my own words even before this day ends. But what the hell! At least may realization diba? Hahaha. :))


mishi said...

You're on your own self again pau. Sometimes, it's healthy going thru such stage of self pitying but never dwell with it too much. Later, you'll realized the benefits of the pressures around you.Believe me, it's for your own good.

Elias Jayson said...

it often happens to me too, like i really really feel like taking a break from all shitness around me, then, i would always find myself in the middle of good times with closests friends I haven't seen in a while or suddenly so busy serving Him.

its as if we are not being allowed by fate to turn to ourself and make self-pity. all we need is a simple tap, a little talk and then soon we find our hearts light again. ewan ko, parang paglalaro ito ng tadhana. :D

i call these moments empty spaces. it is then i become so full of life again. ready to resume a battle or start another one.

pau, keep your hope up. god bless you.

Pau said...

You're right. Dwelling on it makes things a whole lot worse. I guess sooner or later I'll realize those benefits you're talking about. Haha. Thanks. :>

Pau said...

@Elias Jayson
all we need is a simple tap, a little talk and then soon we find our hearts light again.

UH-HUH. Iba talaga ang kapangyarihan ng friendship noh? I don't even need to cry out loud for them to make me feel better. Honestly, they don't even need to make a tiny effort. Priceless talaga ang good times with precious friends.

Thanks. :)