Saturday, July 18, 2009

just like them.

Tonight, I browse through people's sites and read about their insanely inlove hearts.

The feeling of finding heaven's comfort in the arms of their significant other. I, too, want to feel that way. The feeling of ultimate happiness. But something I am not about to deny right now, is that I'm losing the touch of "unexplainable joy". In my long journey to search for this perfect moment, I can still say, I haven't found it yet. I wish I was like them. Ready to say everything, anytime, anywhere. Proud to be her. The one he's proud to have. It's just that somewhere inside of me, it's still not time. Not time to express that I would/could do things beyond my capacity for him. Knowing that somewhere deep inside this good, sweet, and loyal man, he's someone who's afraid to tell me that I'm the last one on his list just because I never said he was the last on mine.

Yesterday, the 18th day of July, I brought him to mass, also to a dinner with my family and friends. and before the night ends, I get a straight face, no hand contact, a goodnight, no "don't stay up too late" message, a sentence that signified "let's not do this EVER again", and no sign of the three words i always loved to hear or read before i closed my eyes at night.

I feel disgusting and embarassed, but I asked for this. He doesn't belong to me OR my family. He belongs to himself. I feel sorry for him for treating me this way. But most of all, I'm sorry for myself. Sorry that I might just let things be because I'm tired of running after a promise I don't think he'll keep.

"I long to tell you how much I need you.
If I can find the words to say,
I never have to feel this way."
-Anna, Apo Hiking Society

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