Merry Christmas Beaches.

Get it? Get it? =))

Well. Coz' its Christmas and I just got home from Bohol last night! Hahahaha.

Shet ang corny.

ANYWAY. As usual, Christmas eve and day was awesome. It was a lot better coz last year, I had my face mask on. This year, I got to eat and dance and dance and eat and eat and eaaaaaaaaaat! :D Then, I think this was the only year we had a morning family prayer and the first and hopefully not last year my Dad came early. YEEEEEEEEEEEEYS! I slept for more than half the day though. That's me alright. Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand, yeah. Same same. No Miguels for the Dans Family. We were late for both the eve and the dinner. And oh. This was the first Christmas we attended some play about the birth of Jesus and my brother had to play Joseph. Didn't really suck for him. HAHAHAHA. >:))

BOHOL WAS GREAT. The beach + cousins + snorkling + tour + NERTS. Yeah. It was GREAT.

Notice how lazy I am? Well that's coz I made this entry just for the sake of remembering how Christmas was this year. Hahaha. Zoom zoom.

Next entry: NEW YEARS RESOLUTIONS BEYBI. 8D

back.

So. Who would've thought? I'm back where I started.

That's how life got to me this year. The year that I thought my life would be closer to where I wanted it to go. Closer to my dreams, my goals. Where am I now? I'm in this place where all I could see is.... My room filled with useless stuff like three piggy banks. I'm back here. THE REAL WORLD. The world where I stop acting as if I'm so ready to face everything.

This is what I would love to write here: "As I write this entry, I tell myself that I am ready. I'm okay. I'M A NEW PERSON." But no. I'm not. I'm not ready, or okay, and I am absolutely NOT A NEW PERSON. Not today... I'm guessing not soon. I'm still that same old girl who always dreamt of a perfect family with the perfect husband and children. Perfect home, and job, and... EVERYTHING. All this, I planned with someone. Someone was the perfect guy. He was smart, and funny, and really really sweet. He topped departmental exams, he dresses up as a spartan, and he buys me kitkat just because he feels like it. But like any other person, Someone has his weaknesses and Someone makes mistakes. I had my fair share of these, and he did too. THAT was the problem and.... THAT was the end of it.

Things I realized after the -END-?
- I've been neglecting so many people in my life, I even forgot they existed
- I can actually pay for my own food ONLY most of the time
- I can save up to P400 a week
- I missed my family
- CD is actually the place to be <3

- A lot of people need me

- I need other people

- I can wear whatever I want to whenever I want to

- I can paint my nails black!

- Madaming hot guys sa paligid ko

- GOD LOVES ME MUCH MORE THAN ANYBODY ELSE DOES

LOL. Labo. Just trying to say that taking another step back doesn't really mean its not good for me. It actually is. I kept on forcing myself to believe in change and happy endings and fate and LOVE. I did. But I only believed in it specifically for him. Pwede naman ang lahat ng yan sa ibang tao o bagay. I live for others. But others doesn't only apply to one person. It applies to any face I see every single day. And these faces? Uh-huh. GOD. That's who I missed and neglected this whole year. They all say you're 18th year is always the best so make the most out of it. HAH. Who says there's a specific year for THE BEST?? Di na uso yan! All I know is, my 18th year didn't suck. I hated it and I loved it. I loved it for the reason that at the end of that year, I know who and what really matters (wether i'm in love or i'm out of it).

CHOS. :))

girl meets boy

boy loves girl

girl loves boy

boy meets other girl

- END -

YAMCHA.

NABABALIW NA KO.

thanks for your birthday treat zack.

just like them.

Tonight, I browse through people's sites and read about their insanely inlove hearts.

The feeling of finding heaven's comfort in the arms of their significant other. I, too, want to feel that way. The feeling of ultimate happiness. But something I am not about to deny right now, is that I'm losing the touch of "unexplainable joy". In my long journey to search for this perfect moment, I can still say, I haven't found it yet. I wish I was like them. Ready to say everything, anytime, anywhere. Proud to be her. The one he's proud to have. It's just that somewhere inside of me, it's still not time. Not time to express that I would/could do things beyond my capacity for him. Knowing that somewhere deep inside this good, sweet, and loyal man, he's someone who's afraid to tell me that I'm the last one on his list just because I never said he was the last on mine.

Yesterday, the 18th day of July, I brought him to mass, also to a dinner with my family and friends. and before the night ends, I get a straight face, no hand contact, a goodnight, no "don't stay up too late" message, a sentence that signified "let's not do this EVER again", and no sign of the three words i always loved to hear or read before i closed my eyes at night.

I feel disgusting and embarassed, but I asked for this. He doesn't belong to me OR my family. He belongs to himself. I feel sorry for him for treating me this way. But most of all, I'm sorry for myself. Sorry that I might just let things be because I'm tired of running after a promise I don't think he'll keep.

"I long to tell you how much I need you.
If I can find the words to say,
I never have to feel this way."
-Anna, Apo Hiking Society